Thursday, August 27, 2009

pushing until fatigue strikes

intensity.

it's not about strength. it's not about the impact.
it's about the passion. it's about the will.

i think i know what's bothering me (at least a part of it)
when i do things i am passionate about, it shows.
when i do things i am not passionate about, it shows.

i thought about it yesterday and i realized something.
the things i did in high school were things that did not require the participation of other people. it was all about doing my task and doing it well.

if i train in tennis well, i will play tennis well.
if i write my articles well, i will have good articles.
if i attended fair and yearbook committee meeting regularly, i would do well.

i now realize why i don't like leading other people (the only exception would be theatre where everyone was intense). i easily get disheartened by the lack of passion. when i see people taking things for granted, i lose the drive to push through with something. it's like you give your all hoping the others will be influenced by your passion, but you just die every time you see that it is not working.

with all the things i have been doing, i slowly try to see whether certain things are worth pushing for. it's one of the things bothering me. maybe i am not meant to influence fish to walk on land.

and they said the world is full of possibilities. let my imagination remain intact.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

break

recession (n.) - playlunch; morning tea; little lunch; break; interval

breathe in.

you are the cause of it all.
your life is another's life.
your death is another's death.
i love you for that and yet
i hate you for that.

this is a recession

let the world move.
i will stay here.
i won't get left behind.
'coz once i get on the go
i will catch up. wait.

breathe out.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

let's open the curtains for a minute here

Paulo Coelho, in his blog said, “At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

Once in a while certain shifts start to happen and I'm reminded of why I do not usually attach myself to people. I was not brought up in an environment where saying you care for someone was normal. The way I was brought up was that achievements weighed more than feelings. In fact, feelings are not important at all. We do not talk about it because it's weird to talk about it.

The last time I said the word "I love you" to anyone (family, friend, or whoever) was when I was 14. I said it because I was forced to say it. I was in this youth camp thing and we were supposed to say it. I cringed.

For a long time, I never really got involved in the lives of the people around me. They were just around me. Then come college, I was somehow more involved with people. There were times I would tell myself that I needed to detach but somehow, my friends would tell me that was stupid. So I would always go back to not being totally detached. It had its benefits and it had its sucky moments.

Now, it feels like I am detached from people without having to make an effort. I am saddened by this fact... I think. I can count with a few fingers the people who make the extra effort to stay in touch. By effort, I do not mean occasional small talk. I mean daily small talk or occasional deep talks. I know some people who think the relationship has not changed when in fact it has. The other person still thinks that things are the same while the other has already given up.

I do not make the effort. I rely on others to make that effort because I do not like disappointment. I do not like to make that effort because I feel like I would not be getting my effort's worth. The people who know me... they do make that effort. They know I have too much pride. They are true friends. Right now, there would be a few. I will tell you that, that is not a sad number. Most people go on through life without even one. They just have people with them... people who are there because of convenience.

When asked the cheesiest line by an acquaintance, "Are you bestfriends?" I answer, "Er... uh... ewan." Then my friend says, "Obvious naman e." There was no need to expound. That was enough.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Some thoughts on current changes

I really do not know what to think about the changes that have been happening. It's weird.

On one hand, I'm rekindling the old friendships that i have and I think it's actually better relationships now. Maybe maturity has caught up with us and there's more insight now. I'm glad I'm getting closer to these people... again. Good.

On the other hand, the current situation with these other people haven't been the same. Well recently, it's like we never really talk now. Wow. That's something. I guess work and other miscellaneous things have caught up with us and there's less time now.

It's just weird. I don't think it's lack of time. I think it's just... I don't know. I don't know what to say or think about it. Maybe we are proximity-based friends. Maybe.:)