Monday, November 30, 2009

...

I have not been doing well despite the few ups that have happened in the past few days. The downs still outnumber the ups. Somehow I feel like the happiness inside is just pretend. The crying has not stopped and there are still bouts of depression going on. I am still drinking beer alone everyday and i have started to smoke again.

As much as I want company right now, I don't think I have the time to get out of my room to mingle. The parent just came from the hospital and I couldn't even discuss it with the parent. That sucks. I'm much of a coward to deal with feelings... even if it's a parent. Have I become a robot? Have I become too detached from the realities that I try no to deal with it. I need my people.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

eye of the storm

there will be a point in time when you are down and out. when all you want to do is drown in your bed under the plethora of sheets and never want to get out of it. you don't even want to get out of your room because the world outside reminds you of things you like but can't do and things that you hate but have to do.

these are the times when you need someone to get those sheets away from you, pull you out of your bed, and push you in the bathroom. then, bucket of water is poured on you so that you'll wake up from your slumber.

and right now, i'm getting it from the most unexpected people. a couple, a group of people from another country, and a friend who has twisted ideas but makes sense when it matters. thank you peeps for randomly talking to me and keeping me company during these times of shit.

this is probably the point where i would know who i could kick it with when shit happens. i'm in the eye of the storm.

i wanna sleep forever... yes forever.

Friday, November 06, 2009

searching for that greater meaning

usually, they say that family will always be there for you. you lose girlfriends, boyfriends, friend friends, bestfriends, or whatever other relationships you have, but you never lose family. family will always be there and will accept you no matter what flaws you have. but then what if family is the one that abandons you? do the rules change? does that leave you to fend for yourself like a castaway on an island?

as much as you want to tell other people about the heaviness that fills you entire body, you stop. you realize that they have no idea of where you are right now and all they can do is imagine how you feel. they don't imagine it based on experience because they can only imagine it based on what society dictates.

it's like a doctor asking a patient how he or she feels. as much as the patient explains the feeling, the doctor can never fully understand how a patient feels. the reason for this is that the doctor has never experienced what the patient currently experiences. Sure... the doctor can EMPATHIZE... but he or she will never SHARE that experience with the patient.

there will be two or three who can hit you at the back of you head to help you sort things out and you can just be thankful about it. i'm realizing how much i have missed the old world i used to be in. the world where problems were not about how your parents did not allow you to go to a vacation, how you were not able to buy a bag or a pair of shoes, how things get routinary, how another sibling gets special treatment, or maybe how certain fonts or margins on a piece of paper changes your study habits. it was about how you will be able to get by the following days, how to get over an addiction, how find a career that will sustain you, where to go since your parents decide to abandon you.

These were the things that made you want to live life more. The problems are are not about wants. The problems are about needs. but whatever world you live in, the most important thing is that you find a real meaning to why you're living your life. a meaning that when it is taken away from you, you run to look for it and scour every corner of the world because it is what gives you life.

Friday, October 09, 2009

carpe diem

There always that point where you just get tired of what people do and you just tell yourself that you aren't taking any of it. Then, somehow, you go crazy and start believing that people do change for the better. But it is only when you get disappointed again... that you start to really think about it and hope that you learn so that the cycle does not continue.

In any relationship that has been broken, may it be with parents, close friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, dogs, or whatever you have, there is always a process of detachment so you can go about with your life. A broken relationship is a break in your daily routine and you have to find a way to create a new routine where that relationship isn't included.

For the past three weeks, i have accomplished the art of not giving a damn about what other people do with their lives. I have accomplished the act of knowing who to care about. And somehow, I actually did not feel bad about the whole idea. It's just that some people don't seem to get it. People have this idea that relationships are like toys which you keep in that old chest box. You let it stay there so you can get back to it when you miss it. What people don't realize is that relationships don't involve inanimate objects. They involve things that move and evolve.

Life only lets us move forward. It does not let us travel back in time. And the only thing we can do is move forward with it and hope that we can keep as much as we can as it moves. Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary but do not be stupid.

And when it comes down to it, you realize that you have your people to move forward with.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

grasp

There is a dignity in holding on to something you believe in.
Even if it does not initially give you what you hoped for,
You never stop, you never let go of it
Because it is when you let it stay with you that you find out
The reason why you were holding on to it in the first place.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

jumper

it is too much.
12 years of this can get to you.
as the years progress,
little by little,
hope starts fading away.

there is fear everyday.
fear that one day, things...
will just fall apart
then... a moment comes
a moment that creates that mind-click

no one would understand
you don't tell them anyway
there's no one to tell
so you go on and smile...
because that's what people want

at times, you show some of it
but you realize they cannot be part of this
they have their own things to deal with
then you pretend to recover
not knowing that it is a 12 year sadness.

i'm just really tired of the marathon.
i told them i wanted off the track.
all they can do was look.
they didn't expect this.
i am competitive anyway...

Sunday, September 13, 2009

lessons from movement

Movement is instigated by conflict.
Without an event of change,
Without a turning point...
We remain stagnant.

Still.

Art is the media for expression.
Without expression,
Feelings rot and disintegrate inside.
Movement releases everything.

Deconstruct. Construct.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Milestones

Once in a while we stop and think about what has happened to our life so far. We look back and follow our journey from the point of our first memory to the point of now. We see how we have grown as a person, how people have come in and out of our lives, how we influenced and were influenced by what's around us, and how we ended up in our current lives.

Important among these realizations is that we are individuals bounded by the milestones of our journey. The turning points in our lives are the milestones... these are the times when we embarked on new adventures. These are the times when we grow, our people change, influences happen, and our current life changes direction.

Milestones. These are the moments which we now realize are ingrained in us. The reason why the future is never sure. Turning points will always be there... it's just a mater of who and what you pack in your bag to remain with you for the upcoming journey.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

inconsistent appreciation

There is a balance that the world tries to impose. It invokes a sense of instability, mystery, and uncertainty.

At one point, everything is up against you and nothing is working out.
At another point, everything is up for you and everything just seems perfect.

Most do not appreciate the wonder of this balance. Most would prefer the "perfect" side of life. What they do not know is that constant perfection lead to certainty. Certainty leads to stagnancy. It's as if you have stopped living.

Life has somehow imposed that balance make us continue to live... to make sure we appreciate the little things, the valuable people, and everything else that we are faced with.

"I have learned to appreciate the uncertainty of things... the sudden inconsistencies... because once i get back to my normal state, there is better appreciation."

Thursday, August 27, 2009

pushing until fatigue strikes

intensity.

it's not about strength. it's not about the impact.
it's about the passion. it's about the will.

i think i know what's bothering me (at least a part of it)
when i do things i am passionate about, it shows.
when i do things i am not passionate about, it shows.

i thought about it yesterday and i realized something.
the things i did in high school were things that did not require the participation of other people. it was all about doing my task and doing it well.

if i train in tennis well, i will play tennis well.
if i write my articles well, i will have good articles.
if i attended fair and yearbook committee meeting regularly, i would do well.

i now realize why i don't like leading other people (the only exception would be theatre where everyone was intense). i easily get disheartened by the lack of passion. when i see people taking things for granted, i lose the drive to push through with something. it's like you give your all hoping the others will be influenced by your passion, but you just die every time you see that it is not working.

with all the things i have been doing, i slowly try to see whether certain things are worth pushing for. it's one of the things bothering me. maybe i am not meant to influence fish to walk on land.

and they said the world is full of possibilities. let my imagination remain intact.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

break

recession (n.) - playlunch; morning tea; little lunch; break; interval

breathe in.

you are the cause of it all.
your life is another's life.
your death is another's death.
i love you for that and yet
i hate you for that.

this is a recession

let the world move.
i will stay here.
i won't get left behind.
'coz once i get on the go
i will catch up. wait.

breathe out.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

let's open the curtains for a minute here

Paulo Coelho, in his blog said, “At the beginning of our life and again when we get old, we need the help and affection of others. Unfortunately, between these two periods of our life, when we are strong and able to look after ourselves, we don’t appreciate the value of affection and compassion. As our own life begins and ends with the need for affection, wouldn’t it be better if we gave compassion and love to others while we are strong and capable?”

Once in a while certain shifts start to happen and I'm reminded of why I do not usually attach myself to people. I was not brought up in an environment where saying you care for someone was normal. The way I was brought up was that achievements weighed more than feelings. In fact, feelings are not important at all. We do not talk about it because it's weird to talk about it.

The last time I said the word "I love you" to anyone (family, friend, or whoever) was when I was 14. I said it because I was forced to say it. I was in this youth camp thing and we were supposed to say it. I cringed.

For a long time, I never really got involved in the lives of the people around me. They were just around me. Then come college, I was somehow more involved with people. There were times I would tell myself that I needed to detach but somehow, my friends would tell me that was stupid. So I would always go back to not being totally detached. It had its benefits and it had its sucky moments.

Now, it feels like I am detached from people without having to make an effort. I am saddened by this fact... I think. I can count with a few fingers the people who make the extra effort to stay in touch. By effort, I do not mean occasional small talk. I mean daily small talk or occasional deep talks. I know some people who think the relationship has not changed when in fact it has. The other person still thinks that things are the same while the other has already given up.

I do not make the effort. I rely on others to make that effort because I do not like disappointment. I do not like to make that effort because I feel like I would not be getting my effort's worth. The people who know me... they do make that effort. They know I have too much pride. They are true friends. Right now, there would be a few. I will tell you that, that is not a sad number. Most people go on through life without even one. They just have people with them... people who are there because of convenience.

When asked the cheesiest line by an acquaintance, "Are you bestfriends?" I answer, "Er... uh... ewan." Then my friend says, "Obvious naman e." There was no need to expound. That was enough.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Some thoughts on current changes

I really do not know what to think about the changes that have been happening. It's weird.

On one hand, I'm rekindling the old friendships that i have and I think it's actually better relationships now. Maybe maturity has caught up with us and there's more insight now. I'm glad I'm getting closer to these people... again. Good.

On the other hand, the current situation with these other people haven't been the same. Well recently, it's like we never really talk now. Wow. That's something. I guess work and other miscellaneous things have caught up with us and there's less time now.

It's just weird. I don't think it's lack of time. I think it's just... I don't know. I don't know what to say or think about it. Maybe we are proximity-based friends. Maybe.:)

Saturday, July 25, 2009

heaven and hell

round 1. FIGHT!

a battle between mt. olympus and the underworld.

full force. collect as much power as you can. then fire it once it has reached its maximum power.

hit the opponent... the opponent who is your friend. he can block it anyway. you know each other too well.

and once the whole battle is over, you can both say, 'good game!'

once again everything is back to normal if not better. yes it is. no doubt.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Julius Caesar

In three words, William Shakespeare immortalized the essence of betrayal.

"Et tu, Brute?"

In three words, William Shakespeare showed the futility of that which has been tainted by treachery.

"Then, fall Caesar"

At the end of the day, it was not the knife that killed him. It was not the knife.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

never tell you're guilty

from anyone: acting because of guilt
ex: you are attacked. someone or anyone sees. that person turns away. the person goes back. guilt.

from friends: acting because of love
ex. you are attacked. your friend sees. that person helps. love.

friends who go to you because they're guilty aren't your friends. remember that.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

a tribute to tupac shakur

2pac, i get what you were saying. Your words were powerful ones. I need to live in Thug Mansion for a while.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

this line is just great...

"Practicing medicine doesn’t lend itself well to the making of friends. Maybe because life and mortality are in our faces all the time. Maybe because in staring down death everyday we’re forced to know that life… every minute is borrowed time. And each person we let ourselves care about… is just one more loss somewhere down the line. For this reason, I know some doctors who just don’t bother even making friends at all. But the rest of us, we make it our job to move that line… to push each loss as far away as we can." - Grey's Anatomy

I agree.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

apology accepted and yet...

There is a need to apologize when we accidentally do something. However, there are no such things as accidents when it comes to our life decisions.

So, I don't believe that there should be apologies. We do things for a reason. And if we apologize because we chose to do them, then that is a sign that we do not know ourselves.

Once we choose, there will be consequences. Some good. some bad. But deep inside, we wish there would be more good. But if ever that is not the case, our only option is to deal with it and continue on with life.

As much as the apology is accepted, things have already changed.

Friday, March 06, 2009

the truth is...

I'm really annoyed. It's okay to not go for the right reasons. We would have understood. But no, you just had to lie. Now, I will not go to Boracay. I don't think I can stand hanging out with you guys for a few months. I just made the birthday as an excuse. Tomorrow I will pretend everything is alright. That's how we roll. Grrr...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

immortality

to be left behind is a sad prospect.

happiness comes your way
people move on to something different
you remain in your own happiness
or what used to be happiness

that is the price of immortality...