one more test and then... I'm done

Okay... my philo orals has ended and I am happy. Anyway, the question was, 'Ano and koneksyon ng pamimilosopiya sa pagpapakatao?' So, being the lazy person that I have been this whole sem, I just said, 'Ang pamimilosopiya ay pagpapakatao,' which means that they are just the same. Wow, talagang PINAG-ISIPAN.

Great huh? My orals was 1145am and I studied at 10am just so I can make something up about it. Well, I was able to make something up and that's good. Anyway, I think the orals was good unlike last sem where I had to act like some stupid fool in front of my teacher just to have a 'gimik.' nyehehe.

Here's how the barahan conversation went.

Sir: Unang tanong ko sayo jay, sinasabi mo ba na lahat ng bagay ay pamimilosopiya?

Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat ng ginagawa natin ay pamimilosopiya

Sir: So kinamot ko ang likod ko namimilosopiya na ako?

Me: Yes sir, kasi dahil sa pagkamot mo, nalalaman mo na matatanggal mo ang kati sa pagkamot at nadadagdagan ang iyong pagkatao. (what the freak right?)

Sir: Pangalawang tanong, lahat rin ba ng bagay ay pagpapakatao?

Me: Yes sir, kasi lahat tayo ay may pananagutan agad kahit ayaw natin. At ang mga ginagawa natin ay i-jujudge na lang after.

Sir: Pano mo nasabi yan?

Me: Kasi hindi lahat ng pagpapakatao ay... tama?? (I wasn't sure if I was right or wrong)

Sir: Bakit naman?

Me: Sir, if may terrorist tapos gusto niya pumatay ka ng 3 sa 10 na hostages, kundi ay papatayin niya lahat. Ano ang gagawin mo? Kahit ano gawin mo e di may mapapatay ka.

The terrorist example I gave came from a conversation I had with Oli and Bym while we were in our 'let's not study' mode. So now, I still stick to my philosophy that we should not study for philo orals because we just need to experience things (during our 'let's not study' moments). Actually, joke lang. Mag-aral nga kayo... kailangan 'yan sa buhay.

Anyway, Microbio na lang. Lopez, kahit kumakanta lang ako sa class mo EVERYDAY (and sana 'di mo naririnig), I will show you how good I am in identifying bacteria... not really. Tae, inuman na sa friday. Beh!

dumadaldal lang

Yehey! Bukas, maglalasing na naman ako... este iinom ako. Mapagpilit kasi itong isa kong kaibigan e. Dyok lang. Ako talaga ang mapagpilit. Pero kung tutuusin, matagal ko na rin naman silang hindi nakasama e so pwede na. Iinom kami pagkatapos ko gawin ang aking pagsusulit sa Espanyol. iQue barbaridad!

Sa miyerkules at huwebes, malamang lalabas na naman ako. Parang hindi finals week ha. Sige lang... kapag hindi mataas ang greyds ko malalagot ako. Hahahaha. Sana hindi ako maubusan ng pera diba. Labas kasi ng labas tapos malapit na ang summer. Ang galing ko. Buti na lang talaga may sammer classes.

157 nga pala ang random namber ko. Masaya na ako dun dahil hindi ako ganun kalayo. Saka asa pa na may kaagaw ako sa mga klase ko. biochemistry? bio thesis? political science? siguro polsci meron pa... pero aasa lang ako sa biochem at bio thesis. Maski ako isusuka ko 'yung dalawang sabdyek na 'yan e kung hindi lang rekwayrd. Nakalimutan ko sabihin, naging iba na ang thesis partner ko... hindi na si Karen at Ann. Si Gel na. Hehehe.

ang saya ko ha

Pumunta ako kanina sa Ateneo ng maaga para mag-aral para sa pagsusulit ko sa History. Aba... manigas-nigas ako sa loob ng library sa kababasa ng libro na walang kwenta. Hiniram ko pa 'yun pero mukhang 'di naman yata nadagdagan ang aking talino. Parang nabobo lang ako sa kababasa. Tae. Dahil nga nabobo ako, at ayaw kong matuluyan ako, nagpasya na lamang ako na kunin ang aking eksam permit. Anak ng tinapay! Ang haba ng pila... kaya napaisip ako at sinabi sa sarili na dapat dati ko pa kinuha. Aktwali, hindi ako nagisip habang papunta sa dulo ng pila (nag-isip ako ng nasa pila na ako). Nakasalubong ko kasi ang aking kaibigang si Mac na tinawanan pa ako nang makarating ako sa dulo ng pila. Thank you... naapreciate ko 'yun. Haha.

So naghintay ako 'dun ng tatlumpung minuto pero 'di ko rin nakuha ang eksam permit ko dahil maleleyt na ako para sa aking pagsusulit. Nakakaasar. Buti na lamang, hindi ako hiningian ng exam permit ng aking mataray na guro. Mataray na nga, ang taas pa ng kilay. Ma'am, easy lang po... masaya ang buhay. Eniwey, madali ang pagsusulit ngunit dahil mataray ang teacher ko at mukhang ayaw niya ako... mukhang mababa pa rin ang aking marka kahit anong dali nito. Parang kahit multiple choice, sasabihin niya na hindi perpekto ang pagbilog ko sa letra ng tamang sagot. Epal.

Bukas naman, may pagsusulit ako sa Espanyol. Ano ba?! Sawang-sawa na ako dito sa asignaturang ito. Pero sa totoo lang, marami akong natutunan. Kung kausapin mo ako ngayon sa Espanyol malamang ay... tutunganga ako at maglalaway lang dahil hindi kita maintindihan. Dyok lang. Mayroon naman akong alam kahit konti, ang dami ko yatang natutunan sa guro ko, lalo na ang magluto ng 'tortilla de espanya' na sa totoo lang ay itlog na may patatas at sibuyas. Galing.

I am strong

Two hours ago my friend ym-ed me so I can help her with her philosophy orals. She asked me 'bakit tayo mapaparalyze sa idea of death?' Since I did not know the answer, I just told her 'kasi takot tayo sa hindi pa natin naeexperience pero alam nating maeexperience natin.'

After two hours, I realize that I did make sense... somehow. I haven't told anyone about the fact that I might get an F in a subject. If ever I did, I showed them my 'sus, okay lang yan... this is my patapon mode... let's live life' face. I gave that face so that the people would not worry about me. I do not like people to worry about me because I do the worrying for others. I am the one who is supposed to be strong for other people. That's what I am used to and that is what I want to do. Showing people that I am affected by something makes me vulnerable and weak.

Last Friday, I wanted to go out and just enjoy the whole day by drinking to get my mind off the idea of that F. I spent the day laughing with my friend while we were in the bench, drinking with biology people, drinking with some kleek peeps, and going to carla's party. I wanted to just enjoy. While I was in Cantina, we got into a fight with some teachers. My instincts took over and I knew I had to look out for my friends. I had to deal with the situation because I can't let my friends do it. I was ready to take the blows for them. I did. I am strong.

That night, a lot of things were going in my mind but I knew this was something I needed to handle by myself. That's how I do things... I handle things by myself. I look out for others but I don't want it vice versa. I am strong.

i want to write

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. About life, love and all the random thoughts I can think of. I can write all day without having to expose myself to people. Then when I see people, they can say that I am so lucky to have what I have. Then, I would feel good about myself and be happy.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. By writing, I would not have to waste my time speaking of something that the one listening does not care about. Hell, the one listening has his/her own problems, so why add to it right? When we rant, we don't want advice... we just want someone to listen. We need someone to share that burden with us just for a moment. If I write, then I would not have to burden someone anymore.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to write all day. I get to release emotions without having to hold back. I do not have to worry about how others will react. I have freedom. I will just go on and on until my fingers get tired and my brain stops to rest.

I just wish I can write all day. I want to wriet all day. I do this because I want to believe in it. I can read it repeatedly until I believe in it. I can believe that it is what I want to do because the truth is, I want to expose myself, waste my time and hold back.

a big leap... frustrating

Imagine yourself jumping from a 50-foot builidng. You wanted to do this for so long. Now, you have mustered the courage to do so. All you can do is remember what you have done with your life. It was good right? You tell yourself that because you do not want to die feeling bad about yourself. But you do know you're going to die. You have not heard of anyone surviving a fall from a 50-foot building. No one can help.

.......................

..................

...........

.....

..

So this is it... how stupid of me to slip. Now, you want to live more than anything in the world.

thank you alcohol

Today, I sit in the middle of the room rekindling everything that has happened in the past. Emotions start to enter body trying to fill every inch of it. It starts to overflow until I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, I thought it would work. Well, I was wrong.

(I just wish that my life would turn out the way I want it to be. I am tired of trying to work for that life I want and just see all that work go to waste. I'm frustrated because I want things to be the happy, beautiful, and exciting thing I imagine it to be. But it's not. Life is a tough one. It is sad but I try to look at the positive things in it so that I can pretend that it's what we imagine it to be. It's tiring to go against something and I am tired. In life, only sadness is permanent. Happiness is just temporary because once we stop working for it, we're left with sadness to dwell on.)

Today, I sit in the middle of the room. Emotions start to enter my body trying fill every inch of it. I wish the alcohol was enough to make me numb because I could not take it anymore. I release it. I shout. I cry. I laugh. I put everything out hoping that I would be reduced to no emotions. For a moment, it worked. Yes, it worked...

subconcious thoughts

I officially call my subconciousness thetenniskid.

thetenniskid: Ah... so may pangalan na ako?
me: Uh... obviously.
thetenniskid: is that how uncreative you have become?
me: No! You freak ass! I just want my subconcious to be well-represented.
thetenniskid: Anyway, isn't it your hellweek this week?
me: Oo, patapon mode ako e. 'Wag ka magulo!
thetenniskid: Hala baka magka-D ka ha.
me: Thanks for stating the obvious. Talino mo! Tae ka.
thetenniskid: Ima going to sleep now and dream of **** first.
me: Stop! Kadiri. You're getting me in trouble. Gah. Kadiri.

attachment

I realized that my biggest flaw is attachment. Once I get attached to people or things, i can't seem to remove myself from them and instead, concentrate on myself.

Back when I was in grade 3, I had a dog which I loved very dearly. It was fat, fluffy and would always follow me wherever I go. Then, my dad hit it... with a freaking car. I cried the whole day and did not talk to my dad for two days. That day just sucked.

Now, I realize that I get easily attached to the people I meet. And I think, this hinders me from performing to my true potential in school. Instead of going home, I'd rather stay in school to hang out with people. This makes consider what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mother said in Grey's Anatomy. Dr. Bailey told Dr. Stevens not to get attached to her patients and just be their surgeon only. On the other hand, Meredith's mother told Meredith that she has lost focus all because she met someone.

I think I easily get attached to people. Yes, it makes me lose focus. But do I care? I guess I have to disagree with what Dr. Bailey and Meredith's mom said. Apart from being a student, I am a person. I care for the people around me and that in itself defines the doctor that I am going to become. If I die tomorrow, I'll be happy. If I don't, guhreat... more entries to convince myself that I'm doing fine. It works you know.

Shet, core mode na. I'm excited for EvSem.

from zero to hero

Most of the time, I complain about how some parts of my life suck (I don't think my whole life sucks). I complain about the situation at home. I complain about my grades in school. I complain about how I do not want to be a doctor. I complain about a lot of things.

Then I remember how miniscule I am in comparison to the whole world. There are so many people out there who are seriously helpless and cannot even live a decent life. I have so many things to be thankful for and yet, I take them for granted. I have a family which isn't perfect yet complete, I study in a good school, and I have the coolest friends in the world whom I love.

I was listening to my philo teacher yesterday. He told us that doctors study not to heal themselves. They study for others. Shit, I suddenly remembered why I wanted to be a doctor. It was because I wanted to help people I love. And I knew that making them happy made me happy. That was my reasoning for going into this (back in HS). I'm glad I remembered. Step up na! Be prepared world... I'm back.

P.S. Pola texted me. It said, 'Congrats Mr. Deputy Finance Officer! hush hush, it's still a secret.'
P.S.S. I'm overjoyed. I get to be an officer of an organization. And it's an organization I want.

Kleek-ish

Lesson learned: Stick to the status quo. Or in last night's case, stick to the kleek.

I don't know what happened to me but I agreed to go with them. They were all ecstatic that I was hanging out with their 'group.' For some of them, they think I'm the traitor but for some, I don't know. Haha. Anyway, once I got there, they started interrogating me about 'Why now lang Jboy?' I just told them I was busy and all the shit I can invent.

They just kept on rubbing the fact that I wasn't talkative because my 'kleek' wasn't there. I just felt as if I had no allies in the place (which is kinda true if you think about it). Never go out with them again unless I'm with at least one kleek-ish dude. Tae sila.

sumusubok lang

Napansin ko na tila ang lahat ng entrada sa aking talaan ay pawang nasa wikang Ingles. Sa kadahilanang ito, naisip ko na mainam ang magsulat ako ng isang entrada na nasa wikang Filipino.

Pagkatapos ng sampung minuto. Tinamad ako. Mahirap ang magsulat sa wikang Filipino kung wala ka naman talagang gustong sabihin. Nagsayang ako ng sampung minuto. Sana kumain na lang ako ng masarap na pagkain. Tumaba pa ako. Ngunit, hindi e. Pinindot ko pa ang keyboard ng aking kompyuter. Ayun, napagod na nga ang aking mata sa kababasa, napudpod pa ang aking daliri. Magaling magaling. Sana ipagpatuloy ko pa ito dahil ang talino ng ginagawa ko e. Ay oo, 'sarcastic' ako. Bobo.

Ayoko na, wala na itong napupuntahan. Nagmumukha lang akong bobo. Gah.